Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I guess there hasn't been much to write about.
Updates: I DIDN'T get into the finals for Ms Extralicious, sucks because I thought i had a decent shot! Oh well, I must have not been what they were looking for.
I felt like writing today because of something one of the playcentre mums was talking about today. Basically it was this.
Homeless people are the way they are because of the choices they make
In some ways, this may be true. I certainly don't think it's as simple as that though.
Some people are born unlucky. It's very unfair, but very true.
I've been blessed to have a great supportive family and access to education (nothing like uni, but I don't believe uni is at all important) Parents that taught me right from wrong etc.
Not everyone has that. Some kids grow up seeing violence every day, seeing drugs put ahead of their own safety and health, growing up in an environment where clean clothes and food and education AREN'T IMPORTANT.
How are they meant to cope in the big bad world where they have absoloutly no support and all they know is what they have seen? They do what they know. Often falling into crime and drugs, and sometimes homelessness. How do they start afresh when people aren't willing to give them jobs? When they don't have people who will support them in any way?
For people who have been lucky enough to have had the neccesities of life, this may be hard to imagine. But TRY and imagine it.
It's unfair to say that "this is because of the choices they have made", when half the time they haven't even had the benefit of being able to make a choice. Is it a "choice" that they grew up not having all the vital things kids should have?
Not to mention, sometimes life falls to shit. Sometimes it's the only choice people feel they have.
There are a million and one more things I could add to this, but I won't.
Are you happy in your ignorant bliss? Does saying it's a "choice" make you feel better, make you feel like something like that could never happen to you? Does it make you feel better than them?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Where did we go wrong? Did we go wrong at all?
I know you don't see it the way we do, that's something you won't see until you have kids of your own. I can hardly blame you for that. You're still only a kid.
I know I wasn't perfect, I was so young when I became a mother figure to you. I tried my best but I know there were times when I should have been more understanding. It took us a while for us to get on the right track. Not that we were on a WRONG track.
I remember when you first told me you loved me. I was taken back. Here was a kid saying he loved me, and I wasn't his mother! I said "I love you" back. It felt awkward, but right.
Your father did everything for you. When things fell apart for you, he was there. always. When things were a bit sticky with your mother, we wiped your tears. We felt angry at the person who had upset you.
So this feels like a betrayal, after all we have tried to make you happy, a few gadgets wins over. All the hurt she has inflicted on you is forgotten. We are forgotten. It really hurts.
Gotta go now, tears.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I believe we do have a soul, I believe that something as powerful and amazing as a soul doesn't just die when our physical body does.
I also believe I have had some experiences when it comes to Ghosts/Spirits.
I used to go to my Grandmothers house in Tauranga (NZ) a few times a year with my sisters, Mum and Dad. She lived all by herself, we called her "gran on her own".
My older sister and I used to share a room at the end of the house. I do believe this room was haunted in some way. Every time I stepped into that room an awful feeling of dread and unease came over me. I never wanted to go to bed, as I was afraid of this bedroom. There was something there.
My mother has told me that on one occasion when we were staying here that I told her that "there was someone at the end of my bed".
Also in this bedroom, EVERY time we visited I had the same dream. A rather ridiculous dream, but one that scared me nonetheless. Some might say that's why I was scared of the room - because that's where I had these awful dreams. It may have been the other way though, BECAUSE this room was haunted I had the bad dreams!
On other instances I have heard my name being called and no one has been there. When my partner and I were looking at places to live, we encountered a house that JUST DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT. Not the decor, or the layout but a feeling that we both had. Needless to say we didn't rent that house!
Call me crazy if you wish, but I do believe.
Have you had any odd experiences?
Friday, August 20, 2010
About EVERYTHING. If there is something to worry about, I will be fretting about it. Even if there isn't something to worry about, I will create something to worry about.
I hate it, but I guess it's just part and parcel of having OCD. Things get so big in my mind and then they RULE my mind. Until it's all I can think about and I make myself sick.
I try not to be a negative person, but it's hard to stay positive when a voice in your head is saying "wash those hands 12 times or else your entire family will die". I know it sounds ridiculous, that's because it IS ridiculous. Even I know that, but the OCD takes hold of me and I end up doing what it says. For peace. That peace usually only lasts a few minutes until the next obsession.
It's very tiring.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Anyway, I haven't been up to much. What I have been working on the last month or so is a Lady Gaga inspired poker face mirror mask for a friend/twiend. He's Joey Nation on blogger, check him out, I love his blogs!
So... this is the mask I made.
I basically cut mirror pieces with the help of my stepson and glued them to a mask which I made stronger by papermacheing over.
That's all I have at the moment!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This movie was A-MAZ-ING.
I don't want to spoil the movie for those who haven't seen it, although I'm sure most people know what it's about anyway, I will give a brief overview.
Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) Arthur (Joseph Gordon Levitt) Ariadne (Ellen Page) and Eames (Tom Hardy) master in the art of Dream invasion. They each have different roles to play in this highly complicated and risky process.
Inception is the most difficult, as it involves planting an idea in someones mind whilst they are in dream state, yet they must believe they thought of the idea themselves.
This movie is VERY interesting, not least because it actually seems highly possible that this will happen in the not too distant future!
I don't want too say anymore, really you just need to see it.
Leonardo is at his finest but let's face it, when isn't he? I've had a crush on Leo since Romeo & Juliet ;)
The storyline, the plot, the choice of actors/actresses, everything about this movie was A+.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm 5'4 and a size 16, so I just qualify!
This is a BIG thing for me (excuse the pun) as I was always very insecure about my body. I actually used to be ridiculously skinny, so skinny that everyone thought I was anorexic. I wasn't anorexic. I just couldn't put on weight. I was seeing a pediatrician until I was 16 years old and they wanted to put me on growth hormones as I just wasn't developing the way I should be. Thank Goodness my parents refused, they knew I would grow in my own time.
I had ALOT of tests done, sometimes I had to be in hosptial for these. I remember one time I had to be in Hospital for these and just sitting there for hours while they did tests on me.
I used to wear long pants and sweatshirts in the middle of summer as I got teased heaps about my skinny arms and legs.
To give an idea of how underweight I was, it was a big celebration when I hit 30kgs. An even bigger celebration when I hit 40kgs.
So this is why entering this competition is quite important to me.
I don't look like a model, I have a tummy and I'm definitly not toned.
I've never been Happier in my body.
And here's the pic I entered...
Monday, July 19, 2010
I love this show so much. Too much. It's sexy, haunting, edgy and raw.
The Vampires are real, they don't sparkle.
The Vampires on this show are out in the open Vampires. A society where you can buy a blood subsitute in glass bottles called "Tru Blood" funnily enough.
The characters are sexy and flawed and can also be a little bit stupid. It's set in a small town in the south, so there are a few god fearing characters added to the mix as well.
It's genius. If you haven't watched it yet, I strongly suggest you do!
This is a new found show I love! It's only been on NZ screens for 2 weeks but already I adore it! It's British for a start so the humour is deliciously different.
It's about a bunch of young offenders sentenced to community work, one day while working out their time a big lightening storm hits and they end up getting some pretty unique abilities..
The characters are wicked (I mean that in a good way, sometimes) The loudmouth, The Chav, The Bad Girl, The Weirdo and a fallen from grace future olympian.
I wasn't sure if I should put this in here, considering the last season has disappointed me.
But, I loved it for the first few series.
I adore this Kiwi show.
A bunch of girls (and one guy) live on the North Shore and had goals they wanted to achieve in one year. These goals have changed each season, so far there have been 2 seasons and a 3rd is on it's way, YES!
The characters are loveable but can be quite infuriating at the same time. Just like normal life.
I freakin' love Shortland Street. It's been a part of my life for 18 years. It's classic Kiwiana now.
I remember when it first started, with bad hair and bad dialogue. I can hear you, you're saying "What's Changed?" I can tell you ALOT. If you don't believe me watch the first year episodes!
That's the thing with Shorty, Some Kiwis like to pretend they don't like it, when really they love it.
Me? I stand proud and call myself a Shorty Lover for life.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Ever since we moved in here, we have had trouble with theft. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, if it's there, they'll take it.
It started with a cute pen on the back porch, the neighbours kids jumped the fence and took it. I know it's only a pen, but it's the principle right?
My stepsons bike got pinched a month or so ago, we got it back (luckily).
Today my stepsons bike got pinched AGAIN from inside the garage in daylight and someone was home all day. WTF? It makes us sound very unobservant but I actually pride myself on being reasonably observant! After all, it was my ears that noticed someone taking the bike the first time!
Also, today 2 pairs of shoes have gone missing. The crim obviously needed some shoes to decorate his new ride.
I know that doesn't sound like much, but we haven't even lived here that long!
I feel like I'm in the Bronx.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The word can actually make me nervous.
It's not that I dislike hugs, I just feel there is a time and a place for them. I allow very few people to hug me. People allowed to hug me are: My Partner, My Daughter and occasionally family.
It is typically Aspergers of me. But I don't think that is all I could put it down too.
Hugs just scare me. Someone moving in with their arms outstretched wanting to wrap their arms around you. It's awkward. I'm standing there thinking "Oh shit, please don't hug me" "oh shit, they're moving in, fuccccck I guess I have to attempt this otherwise they will be offended..., just do it quickly and get it over with!" A hug is simply not worth all that angst and thought for me!
So If I haven't seen you in a long time, please don't hug me. A simple "Hello" will suffice perfectly. I feel no need to hug you, you are my friend, not my partner or lover or child. Physical affection is just not neccesary in a friendship. Well, not for me.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I thought we were tight, I hate being wrong.
I will try and give you a brief overview of what went down...
Ok, so I had this friend. We met on the Britney forums about 5 years back. We connected as we were both living in NZ and a shared love of Queen Britney. Our humour was exclusive, who else on the mostly american Britney boards was going to get Kiwi Humour?
We talked online heaps, he became a friend to me and I to him. He was shy and eventually confided in me why. He was in a wheelchair and could feel pretty insecure at times about this.
It was only last year in November that we actually met for the first time. We were going to go see Britney together! You can't beat a first meeting like that! It was all expenses paid, for me by him. He made one of my dreams come true. To see Britney in concert, I never thought I would be so lucky!
We had a blast in Australia, it was one of the best times I have ever had.
I felt that out friendship was now officially solidified.
So I couldn't quite understand when about a week ago things went sour.
It was something silly, ridiculous. Nothing to lose a friendship over!
He got angry at me, I told him to Grow Up. Probably not the greatest thing for me to have said, but I said it. He made me cry, I emailed him trying to make things better and sent him text messages. All to no reply.
I don't even know if he got the e-mail as he probably blocked me on MSN just like he did on Twitter.
Maybe I was a shitty friend? Maybe I expected too much from him?
All I can say is, I TRIED to be there for him. Looking back now, he never really let me in anyway.
I will miss him and will probably be trying to figure this out for a long while yet.
I guess I should just let him go.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Perhaps I just expect too much.
I know we had a great holiday together, one of the best times I have ever ever had. After that, it kept dwindling, it got harder and harder to make contact, harder and harder to make sense of it.
Yeah, I was jealous. How could I not be? You showered devotion on the one person who could never return it. Someone who you paid for their time. You never would have had to pay for my time. I would have been a friend, a real friend.
You forgot my birthday, even though I reminded you a few days earlier. Yes, I know when yours is. 10th december. Even now it looks like we aren't friends I will still remember it.
I cared about you. I worried about you getting hurt. I listened to you. When I decided to do something about something you had told me, you got mad. It made no sense and I was sick of all the bullshit. I told you our friendship was over. Because it seemed like it ended a long time ago. I couldn't understand you, you were more emotional than myself.
All the times I needed you, I needed you as a friend, just someone to talk too. Shit you could have just texted me back, at least then I would know you cared a little bit.
So, it looks like that's it. Thank you for the good time we did have. I'm sad to see it go but it looks like the end of the road for us.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
They are even harder to keep.
Growing up Aspergers was hard, not just on me, but on my whole family.
(I need to acknowledge them so they know I AM aware of what I put them through, and even though I could not control it, I am sorry.)
Back to the topic at hand, Friends.
I remember having a couple of friends at primary school when things were innocent and kids didn't care about the fact you were a bit odd.
The important things were deciding who was going to be the pink power ranger and who had the newest my little pony.
As I got older, probably about 8 years old and up it got gradually harder. People noticed I was weird, that I didn't act like other kids, that some things I just didn't understand.
The art of social interaction being one of them. I tried to fit in, but I failed.
Mum even bought me a cabbage doll so the other kids would let me play with them. Apparantly it was the wrong kind of cabbage patch doll and I was outcast even more.
I am pleased to say though, that my daughter now owns the doll and loves it! (just like I did.)
At 12, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, something my parents already knew but in the 80's Autistic Spectrum disorders were nowhere near talked about or in the media as much.
I had a couple of friends at intermediate but often said the wrong thing and put myself in the dog box with them. This continued throughout school, eventually I left school at age 15. The bullying was too much to bear and my parents were very concerned for my safety.
Being Aspergers has made it very hard for me to connect with people and have friendships that last. A problem several others like myself find also.
One day, I will have friends and they will get me.
Well, I sure hope so.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Annie Lennox - Medusa (1995)
I discovered this album a few years ago, because a friend was playing it when I went over to visit. I instantly fell in love. Annie's husky voice entranced me.
It's actually a cover album, but she sings every song as if it were her own.
I bought the album, and it relaxes me so much.
Some of the topics are quite deep and hard hitting, "A thin line between love and hate" about a woman who abuses her husband. An amazing song.
"Don't let it bring you down" was featured on the movie "American Beauty". A haunting song to match an equally haunting movie.
Annie is truly a legend.
"If there was a better way to go then it would find me, I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me, be kind to me, or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it I'm an Extroadinary Machine"
It's like all these songs are written about me, they're not of course, it's just Fiona Apple being an amazing songwriter and artist. When an album can make you feel like it's all about you, no matter what stage of your life it is, is surely an incredible feat!
Fiona sings so sullenley, with so much passion yet with a detached tone only she could manage.
Standout tracks "O' Sailor" "Extraordinary Machine" "Window" "Get him back"
Anika Moa - Thinking Room (2001)
The debut album from our very own Anika Moa. She is gorgeous.
I fell in love with this album from the very first time I heard it. Although it's not Anika's favourite album she made (says it's nothing like her, more like her record company told her what to do) I still adore it.
I really can't pick any standout tracks, they are all amazing!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The stain you have left in the ocean is more incriminating than the stain on Monica Lewinskey's dress.
Can you ever gain credibility again BP? Well, as much credibility as an oil company could possibly have anyway.
The problem I find is mostly, is not that you made the "Oops", we all make mistakes, but the lack of effort and caring you have towards fixing it!
You're spending all your money buying Search terms on Google and Yahoo than actually clearing up the shit you caused. Yes, you are redirecting people to your own website to try and spin doctor your way out of this.
More here: http://http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/06/caught_in_the_oil.html Be warned, these images are very disturbing. They will show you the magnitude of what is happening though.
And if you want to know just how big the oil spill REALLY is (BP have been downplaying the actual size of it) go here, and see for yourself.
Sort your shit out BP.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
"Is it you or is it me.... lately I've been lost it seems..." OR what I believed the words were for many years .... "lately I've been lost at sea"
That tune is so comforting.
It's only been around 18years but it's as much a part of Kiwiana as the Pohutukawa Tree and Christmas on the Beach.
18 years of bliss at 7pm every weeknight. One hour mondays. The awful emptiness when it disappears over the Xmas break. Loveable characters. Characters you love to hate. Heartbreak. Joy (usually followed by heartbreak) Knowing that weddings always mean a good scandalous episode. Knowing that one day, Lionel WILL come back.
I remember collecting the Shortland Street Collectors cards. Always hoping to find that elusive Kirsty and Lionel wedding card when opening a pack... I still don't have that card, but I have all the rest!
Other awesome stuff
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Same old scenario, same old game
my dreams: I wish I had stayed lost in them
So sick of my face each day
in the mirror, glass is dirty
reflection not much better.
far too young to have a meltdown,
too old to throw a tantrum,
so what is there to do but lay here alone
with a tear
falling from each eye.
nothing has changed since last time.
holds her head to the ground.
Listening for any sound,
love would pay her a call,
She'd never done it before,
never to give up hope,
of her dreams; had faded
she had become jaded.
Not meaning to lose sight of herself,
a simple ride, but not so innocent
had led her to self destruct
losing all her self respect.
She said the voices were real
although she couldn't be sure
The tempting aroma of what could have been
had shoved her off the rails
The game was fun, it would all pay off
she said, lying through her teeth
If only I could tell just what was real
and what is simply a trick.