Amy, Amy, Amy

Like so many others I imagine, I am doing a blog tribute to Amy Winehouse.

What can I say? Other than the fact that she was AMAZING. Such a talent, such a voice, such an asset to soul music, to music in general!

Her words and voice spoke to my soul, when I felt down I would listen to her and felt like she actually GOT me. I know few artists who have had that power, that natural raw talent, the ability to speak to someone's soul.

Last week I was listening to her, I was wondering when she was going to gift us all with a new album. Sadly, that day will never come. I am forever grateful for the music that she has created and shared with the world.

I will miss you Amy, I know I didn't know you personally but through your music I felt like I did.

Rest in peace Amy. I will remain a true fan for always.

xoxo Michaela

May be uncomfortable to read.

Passed out on the bed,
I hear voices but they don't make sense.
Left and right but mostly center,
I was frozen yet you entered.
I said stop but you didn't listen,
took what you wanted without permission.
I wake up, I'm feeling sore,
feeling ashamed and like a whore.

What is done.

I wanted you to hurt,
so you could see what you've done
as soon as you said the words
the damage was done
You've opened the box and now the storm has begun

Why did you start this?
Can you not see what we have done,
your own private army.

Fighting for you though you are not my own,
the walls I've come against, the tears on my pillow.

Another Poem...

I awake again and nothing has changed,
Same old scenario, same old game
My dreams, I wish I had stayed lost in them.

So sick of my face each day in the mirror,
glass is dirty, reflection not much better

far too young to have a meltdown
too old to throw a tantrum

So what is there to do but lay here,
with a tear falling from each eye?

Nothing has changed since last time.

Poem inspired by Napier Siege

I wrote this awhile ago... it was when the Napier Siege was happening. This poem was about Policeman Len Snee, who was killed in the siege.

Thought he would be home at 8 tonight, but he never came

Cooked bolognaise for him tonight, it’s 20 years today

He should be home, but he never came

He is with the angels, for someone that could never be saved

I’m crying alone tonight, and trying to be strong

The man I loved vanished tonight, and I can’t figure it out

Trying to tell the kids tonight, thought I would die from the pain

I have to wake up tomorrow, and face it all again

All of a sudden, life isn’t alive

The flowers outside aren’t as blue as the day before

And I’m scared that the last thing he saw

Made him regret everything he had worked for.

Dying for people that will never understand,

Never understand the sacrifice that goes in hand with

The badge and title that used to command respect

The Controversial WellyWood...

I must be one of very few (if not only) Kiwi's that actually like this idea.

Sure it's lame, tacky and a bit unoriginal... but I think that's why I like it.

New Zealand has never been afraid to push boundaries and have a laugh at ourselves in the process. Why are we being such sticks in the mud now?

Also, this would be GOOD for NZ tourism, it represents NZ and Wellington's importance in the film industry, it shows that we are a proud country but not too proud to have a laugh at ourselves. We're proud, yet humble about it.

The way people are going on about this you would think they were going to stick a giant swastika on the hill.

NZers lets not forget that sometimes it's okay to be tacky!

After all, isn't that what made the 80's so amazing?

Agoraphobic Bumblebee

Are you just like me?
Afraid of the outside world and all it can be?

Too afraid to step outside,
I give you a subtle push on the windowside
not subtle enough, because you're back
in the doorway, on my track

Suicidal Bumblebee
There is more than you can see,
I know the drop is a long way down
I'm trying to help you, settle down.

Please don't sting me
I'm just like you.
I'm a different colour
But I'm scared too.

Stricken

You must have been stricken by her if you saw her face
and forgot my name.

You must have been lying when you said I was different,
different because I fell for it.

When you took from me what wasn't yours to take,
did you feel any remorse?

When you could have been the man and protected me,
protected me from you.

I said leave me alone, I said don't contact me again, you didn't but I changed my number just in case.

There was nothing I could have done for you anyway.

Depression is not an attractive name for a blog post.

Yet here it is.

In my face, looking right at me and I don't know whether to slap it or hide from it. Unfortunately there is no hiding from it.

The last 6 months have been hard, too much went on, in a short space of time sometimes I wonder if I even dealt with it, or just went through it with my head down hoping for it to be over. That kinda sounds like the last few years, actually.

I'm lonely, a small town girl in a big city, literally. I had trouble making friends in a small town, did I really think it would be easier in a big town? Sure there's more people, more people to hide from.

I'm scared of people, scared that they will know everything I am and I will swiftly be rejected. How much do I tell them, when do I tell them? Do I tell them at all?

I suck at blogs - sorry!

Apologies to my three readers, Sorry sorry and sorry!

I guess there hasn't been much to write about.

Updates: I DIDN'T get into the finals for Ms Extralicious, sucks because I thought i had a decent shot! Oh well, I must have not been what they were looking for.

I felt like writing today because of something one of the playcentre mums was talking about today. Basically it was this.

Homeless people are the way they are because of the choices they make

In some ways, this may be true. I certainly don't think it's as simple as that though.

Some people are born unlucky. It's very unfair, but very true.

I've been blessed to have a great supportive family and access to education (nothing like uni, but I don't believe uni is at all important) Parents that taught me right from wrong etc.

Not everyone has that. Some kids grow up seeing violence every day, seeing drugs put ahead of their own safety and health, growing up in an environment where clean clothes and food and education AREN'T IMPORTANT.

How are they meant to cope in the big bad world where they have absoloutly no support and all they know is what they have seen? They do what they know. Often falling into crime and drugs, and sometimes homelessness. How do they start afresh when people aren't willing to give them jobs? When they don't have people who will support them in any way?

For people who have been lucky enough to have had the neccesities of life, this may be hard to imagine. But TRY and imagine it.

It's unfair to say that "this is because of the choices they have made", when half the time they haven't even had the benefit of being able to make a choice. Is it a "choice" that they grew up not having all the vital things kids should have?

Not to mention, sometimes life falls to shit. Sometimes it's the only choice people feel they have.

There are a million and one more things I could add to this, but I won't.

Are you happy in your ignorant bliss? Does saying it's a "choice" make you feel better, make you feel like something like that could never happen to you? Does it make you feel better than them?

Surprise Post from Joey Sauer.

Guess who just invaded your blog Mikokiko and disrespectfully made a post? ME. (aka. Joey from Joey Nation).

I did what I could for your blog but I realised that your page has a completely different HTML code from mine so I was unable to make it fancy and stuff, but the boring white text-background is now ever-so-slightly transparent so the background colour shall shine through. Sorry all the blues aren't really the same, I'll give it another tackle if you're unhappy but for right now, this'll do. I think it looks quite smart, the blue + white is clean-looking anyway.

Add some more things on your right-hand column to liven the place up too, I started with the Twitter app - delete if you dislike!

Sorry this took so long Michaela!

Lots of love,

Joey.

Feels like betrayal

a feeling of intense betrayal.

Where did we go wrong? Did we go wrong at all?

I know you don't see it the way we do, that's something you won't see until you have kids of your own. I can hardly blame you for that. You're still only a kid.

I know I wasn't perfect, I was so young when I became a mother figure to you. I tried my best but I know there were times when I should have been more understanding. It took us a while for us to get on the right track. Not that we were on a WRONG track.

I remember when you first told me you loved me. I was taken back. Here was a kid saying he loved me, and I wasn't his mother! I said "I love you" back. It felt awkward, but right.

Your father did everything for you. When things fell apart for you, he was there. always. When things were a bit sticky with your mother, we wiped your tears. We felt angry at the person who had upset you.

So this feels like a betrayal, after all we have tried to make you happy, a few gadgets wins over. All the hurt she has inflicted on you is forgotten. We are forgotten. It really hurts.

Gotta go now, tears.

Michaela xoxox

Ghosts and things that go bump in the night.

I believe in Ghosts. Or Spirits, or whatever you like to call them.

I believe we do have a soul, I believe that something as powerful and amazing as a soul doesn't just die when our physical body does.

I also believe I have had some experiences when it comes to Ghosts/Spirits.

I used to go to my Grandmothers house in Tauranga (NZ) a few times a year with my sisters, Mum and Dad. She lived all by herself, we called her "gran on her own".

My older sister and I used to share a room at the end of the house. I do believe this room was haunted in some way. Every time I stepped into that room an awful feeling of dread and unease came over me. I never wanted to go to bed, as I was afraid of this bedroom. There was something there.

My mother has told me that on one occasion when we were staying here that I told her that "there was someone at the end of my bed".

Also in this bedroom, EVERY time we visited I had the same dream. A rather ridiculous dream, but one that scared me nonetheless. Some might say that's why I was scared of the room - because that's where I had these awful dreams. It may have been the other way though, BECAUSE this room was haunted I had the bad dreams!

On other instances I have heard my name being called and no one has been there. When my partner and I were looking at places to live, we encountered a house that JUST DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT. Not the decor, or the layout but a feeling that we both had. Needless to say we didn't rent that house!

Call me crazy if you wish, but I do believe.


Have you had any odd experiences?

I'm a Womble

I worry too much.

About EVERYTHING. If there is something to worry about, I will be fretting about it. Even if there isn't something to worry about, I will create something to worry about.

I hate it, but I guess it's just part and parcel of having OCD. Things get so big in my mind and then they RULE my mind. Until it's all I can think about and I make myself sick.

I try not to be a negative person, but it's hard to stay positive when a voice in your head is saying "wash those hands 12 times or else your entire family will die". I know it sounds ridiculous, that's because it IS ridiculous. Even I know that, but the OCD takes hold of me and I end up doing what it says. For peace. That peace usually only lasts a few minutes until the next obsession.

It's very tiring.

That's all.


Michaela xoxoxo

Ga ga ga ga

I haven't blogged in ages. I won't apologise because I don't think anyone reads it anyway! It's more like a dialogue to myself. In case I lose my memory or something.

Anyway, I haven't been up to much. What I have been working on the last month or so is a Lady Gaga inspired poker face mirror mask for a friend/twiend. He's Joey Nation on blogger, check him out, I love his blogs!

So... this is the mask I made.




I basically cut mirror pieces with the help of my stepson and glued them to a mask which I made stronger by papermacheing over.

That's all I have at the moment!

Michaela xoxox

INCEPTION

This movie was A-MAZ-ING.

I don't want to spoil the movie for those who haven't seen it, although I'm sure most people know what it's about anyway, I will give a brief overview.

Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) Arthur (Joseph Gordon Levitt) Ariadne (Ellen Page) and Eames (Tom Hardy) master in the art of Dream invasion. They each have different roles to play in this highly complicated and risky process.

Inception is the most difficult, as it involves planting an idea in someones mind whilst they are in dream state, yet they must believe they thought of the idea themselves.

This movie is VERY interesting, not least because it actually seems highly possible that this will happen in the not too distant future!

I don't want too say anymore, really you just need to see it.

Leonardo is at his finest but let's face it, when isn't he? I've had a crush on Leo since Romeo & Juliet ;)

The storyline, the plot, the choice of actors/actresses, everything about this movie was A+.

Ms Extralicious and Body Image

I entered myself into the Ms Extralicous competition that a NZ radio station is running! It's for women of the "plus size" variety hence the "Extralicous" term!

I'm 5'4 and a size 16, so I just qualify!

This is a BIG thing for me (excuse the pun) as I was always very insecure about my body. I actually used to be ridiculously skinny, so skinny that everyone thought I was anorexic. I wasn't anorexic. I just couldn't put on weight. I was seeing a pediatrician until I was 16 years old and they wanted to put me on growth hormones as I just wasn't developing the way I should be. Thank Goodness my parents refused, they knew I would grow in my own time.

I had ALOT of tests done, sometimes I had to be in hosptial for these. I remember one time I had to be in Hospital for these and just sitting there for hours while they did tests on me.

I used to wear long pants and sweatshirts in the middle of summer as I got teased heaps about my skinny arms and legs.

To give an idea of how underweight I was, it was a big celebration when I hit 30kgs. An even bigger celebration when I hit 40kgs.

So this is why entering this competition is quite important to me.

I don't look like a model, I have a tummy and I'm definitly not toned.

I've never been Happier in my body.


And here's the pic I entered...

My Top 5 ... TV SHOWS

So, my Top 5 TV Shows! Remember these are my favourite 5 but I love them in different ways for different reasons so even though they are labeled 1-5, they are all as important and special as each other!


TRUE BLOOD




I love this show so much. Too much. It's sexy, haunting, edgy and raw.
The Vampires are real, they don't sparkle.

The Vampires on this show are out in the open Vampires. A society where you can buy a blood subsitute in glass bottles called "Tru Blood" funnily enough.

The characters are sexy and flawed and can also be a little bit stupid. It's set in a small town in the south, so there are a few god fearing characters added to the mix as well.

It's genius. If you haven't watched it yet, I strongly suggest you do!


THE MISFITS




This is a new found show I love! It's only been on NZ screens for 2 weeks but already I adore it! It's British for a start so the humour is deliciously different.

It's about a bunch of young offenders sentenced to community work, one day while working out their time a big lightening storm hits and they end up getting some pretty unique abilities..

The characters are wicked (I mean that in a good way, sometimes) The loudmouth, The Chav, The Bad Girl, The Weirdo and a fallen from grace future olympian.


DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES




I wasn't sure if I should put this in here, considering the last season has disappointed me.

But, I loved it for the first few series.


GO GIRLS




I adore this Kiwi show.

A bunch of girls (and one guy) live on the North Shore and had goals they wanted to achieve in one year. These goals have changed each season, so far there have been 2 seasons and a 3rd is on it's way, YES!

The characters are loveable but can be quite infuriating at the same time. Just like normal life.


SHORTLAND STREET



I freakin' love Shortland Street. It's been a part of my life for 18 years. It's classic Kiwiana now.

I remember when it first started, with bad hair and bad dialogue. I can hear you, you're saying "What's Changed?" I can tell you ALOT. If you don't believe me watch the first year episodes!

That's the thing with Shorty, Some Kiwis like to pretend they don't like it, when really they love it.

Me? I stand proud and call myself a Shorty Lover for life.

Thieves in our midst

Admittedly, I don't live in the greatest area of town but in saying that I don't live in the WORST part of town either.

Ever since we moved in here, we have had trouble with theft. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, if it's there, they'll take it.

It started with a cute pen on the back porch, the neighbours kids jumped the fence and took it. I know it's only a pen, but it's the principle right?

My stepsons bike got pinched a month or so ago, we got it back (luckily).

Today my stepsons bike got pinched AGAIN from inside the garage in daylight and someone was home all day. WTF? It makes us sound very unobservant but I actually pride myself on being reasonably observant! After all, it was my ears that noticed someone taking the bike the first time!

Also, today 2 pairs of shoes have gone missing. The crim obviously needed some shoes to decorate his new ride.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but we haven't even lived here that long!

I feel like I'm in the Bronx.

Things That Weird Me Out #1 : Hugs

Hugs.

The word can actually make me nervous.

It's not that I dislike hugs, I just feel there is a time and a place for them. I allow very few people to hug me. People allowed to hug me are: My Partner, My Daughter and occasionally family.

It is typically Aspergers of me. But I don't think that is all I could put it down too.

Hugs just scare me. Someone moving in with their arms outstretched wanting to wrap their arms around you. It's awkward. I'm standing there thinking "Oh shit, please don't hug me" "oh shit, they're moving in, fuccccck I guess I have to attempt this otherwise they will be offended..., just do it quickly and get it over with!" A hug is simply not worth all that angst and thought for me!

So If I haven't seen you in a long time, please don't hug me. A simple "Hello" will suffice perfectly. I feel no need to hug you, you are my friend, not my partner or lover or child. Physical affection is just not neccesary in a friendship. Well, not for me.